USA! USA! US... QUACK! QUACK! QUACK!

Courtesy Fanpop.com

By Zak Griffin

"Thank you all for attending this conference, my name is Ron DeGregorio and I am the president of USA Hockey. With the Sochi Olympics rapidly approaching, we felt that we needed to make some changes. We surpassed almost everyone's expectations at the last Olympics in Vancouver, making it all the way to the Gold Medal game. But we ultimately fell short, losing to Canada and finishing with the silver. We felt that it would be best to head in a different direction, starting with the coach. Ron Wilson has been relieved of his duties as head coach of Team USA Hockey. We would like to thank Ron for all of his efforts and time that he has put into this program, and we wish him the best of luck in all of his future endeavours. Now, without any further delay, we would like to announce the next coach for team USA Hockey. It is with extreme pleasure I introduce to you the new head coach for team USA Hockey... Gordon Bombay!"

Gordon Bombay walks to the stage, he shakes hands with DeGregorio who takes a seat. Bombay walks to the microphone.

"Thank you Mr. DeGregorio, it is my honour to accept the position of head coach of team USA Hockey and I look forward to seeing what this team will accomplish at the 2014 Winter Olympic Games in Sochi. I will now be taking questions from the media."

"Coach Bombay! You have inherited quite the roster. Many believe to be the golden age for American hockey with players like Patrick Kane, Ryan Kesler and Ryan Miller. Do you have any idea what your roster is going to look like yet?"

"Well, those guys are all great players, but I've already chosen my roster."

"You have?"

"Yes, I have."

"Well, who's on it?"

"Well, you know how I coached team USA Hockey to a gold medal at the 1994 Junior Goodwill Games?"

"Yes, your famous Ducks. We've all seen that movie. What about it?"

"Well, that's my team."

"What do you mean, 'that's your team'?"

"That exact roster that I took to Los Angeles for that tournament? You know, the one that beat Iceland in the finals? That team. Last question?"

"... Are you serious?"

"Yes. Thank you all for your time, we'll see you in Sochi."



Okay, let's clarify a few things. As much as I would like to believe it, Gordon Bombay will not be appearing behind the bench for team USA Hockey at the 2014 Olympics and neither will his team, and for good reason as that team would  struggle to get a single win, let alone win the entire tournament. Top to bottom, this team is filled with so many holes and question marks it is nothing short of a miracle that they were able to defeat Trinidad & Tobago (who will go down as having the best uniforms in all of sports. Period).

Courtesy complex.ca

Hockey jerseys if they were designed by your 5-year-old daughter.

If Coach Bombay were to take the same team that he took to the Junior Goodwill Games in D2 and put them on the ice in Sochi the results would be disastrous. Let's analyze the team starting with the coach.

EMILIO!!!!

Head Coach - Gordon Bombay

Gordon Bombay was living the dream. Before becoming a successful lawyer, his days as a player came to an abrupt halt after missing on a penalty shot that would have given his team the league championship at the age of 10. The embarrassment drove Bombay to quit the game and adopt a serious drinking problem (although we cannot say for certain it happened in that order). When he is arrested for drunk driving he is sentenced to community service in which he has to coach a struggling youth hockey team. From there, Bombay channels his inner Vince Lombardi and what follows is a string of success no other coach has dared dream of. From winning the league title to capturing gold at the Junior Goodwill Games, Bombay has accomplished it all... actually that's it.

To say that Coach Bombay's methods are unconventional is an understatement. He makes his players do drills so ridiculous Mr. Miyagi would be scratching his head. His practices are unlike any hockey practices you will find nowadays. The main difference is that there is a very small amount of hockey that is actually practiced during these "team bonding sessions." Over the years he has spent entire practices devoted to teaching his players how to dive and fake injuries and to tying his players together and forcing them to skate as one gigantic blob around the rink and hitting a beach ball around (the night before the finals no less), just to name a few. You notice what's missing from that list? Anything hockey related. Where are the bag skates and other conditioning drills? The only time he does anything that remotely resembles a hockey practice is when he releases his inner Herb Brooks and calls a team practice right after getting blown out 12-1 against Iceland. What's the powerplay going to look like? What kind of forecheck will you be running? Why won't you do any kind of scouting against the teams you will be playing? But that's fine, because as Allen Iverson once put it, "We talking 'bout practice." What about the results on the ice?

To say that a team coached by Bombay is lucky to win a game is an understatement. For starters, his team does not even have enough players. The rules of hockey say you are allowed to dress a maximum of 20 players for each game (2 goalies and 18 skaters), but the Americans only brought 14 players TOTAL, including two goaltenders! What happens when one of their players goes down with injury or gets kicked out of a game?! You have 13 players, Bombay! Secondly, his offensive and defensive systems resemble the kind of systems you'd find at a pick-up game, and by that I mean there is no offensive or defensive systems put in place. The only play that Coach Bombay has in his repertoire is the Flying V, where all five players form a V and pass the puck in formation, simulating the flight pattern of migrating ducks. It sounds pretty in practice, but as we see here, when the play is not executed properly (and by properly, I mean if they don't score) the results are disastrous.

So, to summarize, Bombay is a recovering alcoholic with coaching methods ranging from irrational to abusive. His most effective teaching tool is to get his whole team to rollerblade through a crowded mall and whose game strategies, simply put, sound like, "Guys, we'll make it to the finals, suck in the first two periods, change our jerseys and then we'll win." Oh, and let's not forget the last time Bombay found himself in front of the lights and cameras of a prestigious tournament like the Olympics, he became so distracted that he forsook all responsibilities of coaching, electing to spend his free time posing for magazines and rubbing shoulders with NHL Hall of Famers Chris Chelios, Cam Neely and Luc Robitaille. If this is how he behaves during the Junior Goodwill Games, what do you think he will do when he gets to Sochi during the Olympics?

Overall, Bombay's coaching career has accomplished nothing but reveal different layers of his incompetence. Placed under the microscope of Sochi, there is no reason to think that Bombay will change things up, as it has only brought him success over the years. So if it ain't broke don't fix it, right? But it is broke! And when matched up against the best professional players the world has to offer, there is no reason to think that a Gordon Bombay-coached team will have any success against any team in that tournament.

Grade: C-

Ridiculous methods and track record in international competitions, but it is hard to deny his success.

Goaltending

Courtesy passittobulis.blogspot.ca

The opposite of the Vancouver Canucks: No goalie controversy where there should be one!

#6 Julie Gaffney

It's good to see that, despite all of the holes that team USA has on its roster, coach Bombay realizes the importance of having a backup goaltender. However, you lose points for keeping your obviously better goaltender on the bench for the entire tournament, which is what Bombay will probably elect to do. Julie "The Cat" Gaffney is a stud, there is nothing else to it. She lead her team in Maine to three consecutive state championships. STATE championships. Not just some regional kids tournament. She was the best goalie in the entire state of Maine. She's got a quick glove and is driven by her desire to prove herself to the world. Unfortunately for The Cat, this is Goldberg's job to lose...


#33 Greg Goldberg

To be perfectly honest, I don't know how Greg Goldberg still has a job. The guy is not a competent goaltender His stats have been bolstered by the golden horseshoe that is Gordon Bombay's coaching career. He has a crippling tendency to overcommit on shots which leads to wide open rebounds or backdoor passes. His puck-handling abilities are non-existent and often get exploited, leading to easy goals for opposing teams. What Goldberg does not lack however, is confidence, which is odd when you consider he looks like this:

Courtesy the actor's own google+ page

Seduction by Calvin Klein

Goldberg's tendency to talk trash has got him into trouble over the years with the Ducks, both with opposing players as well as officials. To put it bluntly: Goldberg can talk the talk with the best of them, but he simply cannot back it up. But for some reason he is unreal in shootouts. I don't get it!

Grade: B

The biggest strength for team USA becomes less strong with Gaffney on the bench. That turns this great goaltending tandem into a good one. An expected move by coach Bombay at this point.

Defence

#21 Dean Portman - Chicago, IL

Portman was brought in to join the original Ducks team for the Junior Goodwill Games tournament. He was there to add some grit and toughness to the American roster. One half of the infamous Bash Brothers (Along with Fulton Reed, who we'll get to in a second), his style of play simply does not translate well to international hockey. With the Olympics being such a short tournament, where a single bad penalty can cost you a gold medal, there is little room on a roster for an enforcer/pest who takes dumb penalties on a regular basis. There's a reason why you never saw Tie Domi or Sean Avery on any national teams. Though Portman would fit in pretty well with most NHL teams as a third/fourth line energy player. His ability to get under the skin of his opponents, to complain to referees, as well as his ability to hype up a crowd is best amongst Duck players. However, he is simply an average defensemen who does very, very dumb things on the ice. Case and point:

#44 Fulton Reed

Fulton Reed is easily the best of Team USA's three defensemen (three defensemen? Really Bombay?! You see what I'm saying?!). The second (bandana-wearing) half of the Bash Brothers, Reed has the size to deal with most forwards he'll be facing as well as a shot that literally frightens other goaltenders. While he is not the smoothest of skaters, he is competent enough on his skates to allow him to get his shot off, which team USA relies way too heavily on. In all honesty, Reed is a good defenseman who would benefit with playing with any other defensemen who isn't named Dean Portman. "But you can't break them up, they're the Bash Brothers!" That's exactly what I'm saying! The Bash Brothers is what happens when you mix too much testosterone with teenage angst in the middle of a hockey game. What follows is a series of blatant but somehow uncalled interference, boarding (as both skaters sandwich another player in the corner again without the puck, making this both a penalty as well as just poor defending) and unsportsmanlike conduct (clotheslining opposing players, again, who do not have the puck) penalties. These two players, if paired together, would play one game and then be suspended for the remainder of the tournament, maybe their lives. With only three d-men on your roster, why would you risk losing two of them, especially when Russ Tyler is your final defenseman.

#56 Russ Tyler

This is Russ Tyler today:

Courtesy hollywoodmemorabilia.com

It's quadruple Whopper time!

When Tyler played for team USA in 1994 he was a short, fat kid, with little to no skating ability or toughness, and he has not changed all that much 20 years later. Never one to shy away from trash-talking, his other best weapon for shutting up opposing teams was his signature shot: The Knuckle Puck. Now, let's discuss the Knuckle Puck. Somehow, when Tyler places the puck on edge and snaps the puck on goal, the puck takes on a mind of its own. Or maybe Bugs Bunny is controlling it with a magnet, like he did Michael Jordan's golf shot in Space Jam.

Try as I might, I've yet to get the puck to stand on end with any kind of consistency. I cannot explain the physics of the shot or how he is able to use it so consistently (despite him emphasizing how hard it is to be accurate... we've never seen him miss). However, he's just not in any kind of shape to be playing a pick-up game, let alone being one of three defensemen at the Olympics. While the Knuckle Puck is an effective weapon, Tyler simply cannot be relied on to play the heavy (pun completely intended) minutes that coach Bombay will demand of him after Reed and Portman are both banned from the tournament.

Grade: F+

While Fulton Reed and The Knuckle Puck are solid weapons, the defensive corp simply lacks any form of talent or depth, which is what happens when you use half the amount of defensemen as other teams.

Forwards

First Line - "The Third Wheel Line"  

A solid scoring line with the two most skilled players on the team in Banks and Germaine. Only question revolves around chemistry. Obviously the relationship between Germaine and Moreau indicates there is some there to begin with, but who knows how long that can last. It's always interesting to see how lines stay cohesive, especially when teammates date each other. One disagreement and all of a sudden things could get really awkward really quickly.

Courtesy hercampus.com

Solidarity Banksy!

LW - #00 Guy Germaine

Guy Germaine is a prototypical hockey player. What he lacks in flair he makes up for in production and grit. While he is the second most skilled player on the team, behind Banks, there is reason to question his motivation. Would he be interested in hockey if it wasn't for Connie Moreau? The two have been in a relationship since day one, you could make the case that his sometimes lack of interest could be a result of not "getting any" lately. Is it a good move to have a player like this as your top winger? No, but at this point it is a move we can expect from Bombay, which, given his previous decisions that we have seen, makes this one seem relatively reasonable.

C - #99 Adam Banks

By far the most skilled player on the Ducks roster. Getting Banks might have been the only competent and rational move that Bombay has done in his entire career, acquiring him from the rival Hawks. The most talented player on the team, this is the easiest Bombay roster move to defend. His only knocks is his tendency to be a little too cocky. The guy wears number 99! If that doesn't scream "I'm the best there is, best there was and best there ever will be" then I don't know what will! I mean, who taunts an opposing team's goaltender when you're down 12-1? To be completely honest, I'm glad he got a stick broken across his wrist, which leads me to my next point: his health. Banks is prone to injuries, being the most often injured member of the Ducks. This is decision is a no-brainer but it does carry with it some apparent risks. But in the end, Banks is too good of a player to leave stateside, especially when you consider the rest of the roster.

RW - #18 Connie Moreau

While there may be more skilled players than Connie "The Velvet Hammer" Moreau she has proven herself to be a steady contributing member of the team since day one. Her experience and chemistry with the other players on the Ducks is her strongest asset... hehe. Now I am not trying to be sexist here, but I have doubts about her ability to play at the highest level against much bigger men. She doesn't have the size to take the punishment that most of the guys on the other team will be dishing out on her... Wow, I just said that! Moving on. I'm not just saying this, watch this scene:

Two things worth noting: First, she was battling along the boards... with no one. Let me reiterate this: she was battling in the corner... with no one! You know what, no! That's not a battle because a battle implies having an opposing side with which to do battle. This was a struggle. She was struggling along the boards by herself. And second, had a cowboy not rode in on his metaphorical white horse to save the day, she would have been crushed on this play. I'm not being sexist, I'm being real. The movie was being sexist by assuming she needed a guy who thinks he's a cowboy (like Steve the Pirate from Dodgeball), to ride in and save her. Shame on you Disney, shame on you.

Second Line - "The Diversity Line"

Courtesy inthecompostpile

Pictured: Diversity

LW - #16 Ken Wu

Wu, Wu, Kenny Wu! The token figure-skater who, for some reason, appears on every roster that Bombay puts together. Wu's game would not fly on this ice. It's true that many hockey players have credited figure skating for helping them improve on their skating abilities, this is the exact opposite of that. I can't remember another figure skater who started playing hockey on the side to help hone his skills. The sport of figure skating does not translate well when you grab a stick and put on some pads. While he does develop some toughness when he goes to South Central to play some street hockey (I still don't get that), he lacks the basic skills necessary for a top-six forward. You know, like: a shot, stick handling, or the ability to receive passes. Bombay is a huge supporter of taking guys who have one specific skill set, (a good shot, quick skating, toughness), and thinking that that is enough to put together a complete hockey team. It's not Kenny Wu's fault, but it does not change the fact that he would be completely out of his element out there.

C - #9 Jesse Hall

In terms of skill, Hall is one of the more underrated players on the squad. Hall has shown flashes of competence during his two stints with the Ducks, however it has always been overshadowed by his inability to keep his mouth shut. To put it simply, Hall is a cancer in the locker room. His hotheaded attitude has lead to much disunity amongst the players. On a number of occasions his attitude has lead to division amongst the team. If things start to go wrong - almost a certainty for this group - Hall is the last guy you want on your team. Against the quality of teams that Team U.S.A. will be facing, you can anticipate things to go wrong from time to time, and if we look back to the times when the Ducks have faced adversity in the past, Hall is usually found at the centre of the controversy. If you're coach Bombay you have to ask yourself if Hall's skills are worth the headache that his attitude will cause, not just Bombay, but the team as a whole. It seems obvious that Hall should be left off the team, which means we'll be seeing him in Sochi.

RW - #7 Dwayne Robertson

We've seen a perfect example of Robertson's blatant disregard of the rules in a previous clip (he saved Moreau), as he jumps over the boards helmet-less and proceeds to lasso an Iceland player, which is a violation of several different rules at the same time (too many men, jumping over the boards without a helmet, bringing a foreign object onto the ice to name a few). While Robertson does possess some incredible hands, he is a blatant showoff and more often than not his showboating results in turnovers. And when Goldberg is your goaltender, the fewer shots you allow on goal the better. While he does possess some skills, Robertson is too much of a liability to keep on any roster, not to mention the American national team at the Olympics.

Third Line - "The Scraps Line"

Typically when you think of the third line, you think of a fast-paced energy line or a shutdown defensive line that you send out against the other team's top scorers. Instead Bombay has elected to piece together a line of a Miami speedster (who can't stop), a talentless try-hard and the comic relief. Sounds more like a clown troop than a hockey line, but that's just me.


LW - #22 Luis Mendoza

He would later become a Los Angeles fire fighter in real life, so full props to him for that, but in terms of his fictional hockey skills he has one flaw: he can't stop. You learn that the first day of hockey school, but he clearly skipped that day. Moving on.

C - #96 Charlie Conway

Charlie is the polar opposite to Jessie Hall. Where Hall had the talent and lacked the heart, Conway has all the heart you could want in a player however his skill is not the most desirable... this sounds familiar.

Courtesy GQ

'Merica. Mmmmm.

Give Conway credit though: The kid has lead his ragtag group of teenagers to a league championship and a gold medal in a world competition. On paper, Conway should be a formidable player. He is a freak athlete. During one of the team's many rollerblading montages Conway jumped over a construction apparatus and a hatch-back (On skates, son! Take that Kobe). However, it says something about your skills as a hockey player when the most meaningful contribution you've made as a player was taking yourself out of the championship game so that Russ 'Knuckle Sandwich' Tyler could take your place. On the other hand, you could see this as Conway taking the coaching reigns away from Bombay, realizing that if Tyler were to be taken off the roster then the team would be down to two defensemen for the championship game. In that one move Conway exhibited more coaching know-how than Bombay has in two movies! Unfortunately this does not change the fact that Conway's skills are extremely limited. While he does possess some great intangibles he would be better serving the team from behind the bench than he would on the ice.

RW - #4 Lester Averman

Courtesy angelfire.com

Nuff said.

Enough said.

Grade: D

As mentioned earlier, Bombay suffers from a weird tendency of assembling players with only one real skill and thinking that when all these spare parts are assembled that they will form a complete hockey team. Wrong. While all of these skills combined would create a complete player, this formula that Bombay has come up with leaves his team with a lot of gaping holes, most obvious is any kind of depth or defensive capabilities. All of the forwards are not what you call 'complete' hockey players, which is an issue when you consider the lack of depth with the defence corp as well. Bombay has done himself no favours with this roster.


Overall Grade: D-

This team does not have what it takes to crack it at the highest level. While true that they have achieved victory before in international competition, that speaks more about the lack of skill level of the other teams than it does about the greatness of team U.S.A. The forward lines are lacking, not just in bodies but in actual skill. There is no player that the team can lean on to get them through the tough spots that this team will inevitably face. Banks has the skill level but lacks the character to be a leader, whereas 'Captain' Conway has all the leadership of a young William Wallace without the beard, but unfortunately plays hockey like Wallace as well.

Courtesy The Hype

FREEDOM!!

The defence corps is, to put it kindly, absolutely horrific. The only competent defenceman has difficulties skating while the other two are simply side shows who get to wear a jersey.
All of this to say that while he may be one of the most beloved coaches in cinema history, if you look at his decisions as a coach, it's pretty clear Gordon Bombay is still an alcoholic.

So in conclusion, kids, don't do drugs, don't drink and drive and, as always, keep your stick on the ice.


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Zak Griffin is a pretty big fan of headbands. Follow him on Twitter at @ZakGriffin13